Monday, May 5, 2008

May 5, 2008
It is a very sad day for me. Shawn has been gone all weekend. I spent the weekend on the couch watching every chick flick known to man from no reservations to lars and the real girl, you name a new chick flick and I watched it. So why is it a sad day well here you go. I spent the entire weekend in flannel pants because I couldn't bring myslef to putting on pants or shorts that are too tight. That is right I have no pants that fit. I feel miserable. I feel fat and uncomfy. I use food as a cover for sadness, bordum, loneliness, or just being alone.
Here is the worst part of the whole thing. I now have more to lose then I have lost. I was to 20 pounds to go and now I am back at 45 to go. I am tired of knowing this will be a lifelong battle. So before when I kept restarting my diet my real modivation behind losing the rest of the weight was to look cute at the beach for my Honey. For years I have not been comfy to wear a bathing suit and it is one thing he always asks me to do. So I was doing it for the wrong reasons.
I read back on my blog and I don't feel like the optomistic girl anymore, I feel like I have been defeated. So here are the reasons I am losing weight again
- to be to my goal by my graduation from college next June. wearing a cute little dress to my party is just the icing on the cake.
- to be comfy in my own skin. I know I am an awesome person. People like me so I need to like me to.
- to live a healthy lifestyle and want to experiance life in all ways with my husband and kids. I hold myself back from stuff because I still feel so fat. I need to mentally work on myself.
- I just want to reach one goal I set for myself. i don't set many because i know i am flakey and don't follow through when it come to me. So me, it is all about me. Even if that means taking a little time away from my kids and family to make me a better person in the long term. I can go for a walk in the evening an not feel bad that I am leaving Shawn alone with the kids.
- LAst and least to fit back into my skinny clothes. I have gone crazy and gained some weight back all while squeezing into my clothes. Not cute if you lift up my shirt. I promise. So My last goal is to fit back into my closet of clothes.

Ok so I am back on track starting today. I got a reality check yesterday. I have been out of blog mode for a few weeks so yesterday I went on and read a comment from one of the most supportive people with the diet stuff, she said basically is it worth throwing all this away when you have worked so hard?I have said it before but to have someone else say it means people are noticing my habits and have seen me go back up. Made me think. I couldn't help but think of how many people have noticed that I have put some weight back on. I know a few people have asked. I was also just telling SHawn that people who I haven't seen since before don't really notice that I have lost when I do see them . I want that back. i want to not look like Ali anymore. I want to look like Allison the woman I want to succeed in the world. Reality check, I was neveer fat as Allison only as Ali (ok my legal name) So the new Allison is going to succeed.
I weighed in this morning at a whopping 176.2 I am so sad to amit that right now. The scale in a way has defeated me but I am back in full force to get to where i want to be again.
Allison is back watch out.

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