Monday, August 3, 2009

Well I am back from vacation. We had a wonderful time and it was so nice to relax with my family. Coming back from vacation is bittersweet, not only because it means coming back to reality but also because this is the Monday. I have been putting off dieting for almost the entire summer and now that the kids are heading back to school and life is starting back up it is time to work on me again.

I am realizing that it is more than just food to me. I have an addiction to food and I use it as a crutch. I have areas of hurt in my life and I use food to fill the hurt. I have had long talks with alot of people about my past and it is a reoccuring topic in my life alot lately. I feel like God is telling me that I have to fix myself and deal with this issue before I can move on to bigger and better things that he has in store for me.

When I was 11 years old my Dad walked away from my family and left my Mom to be a single Mom to three kids. My Mom did the best she could for the situation she was in. My life was great for the most part but as a young girl there is alot of hurt that goes along with your father leaving you. I have abandonment issues as well as other issues including food. I always tell people that I have forgiven him and moved on but the truth is that forgiving him and getting over this is impossible. How am I supposed to forgive him for being a complete asshole and changing my whole life when he made a very selfish decision? I can't! I recently read that you know something is from God if it sounds impossible well this issue in my life is impossible and I am actually a little upset with God that he wants me to deal with it.

I didn't intend for my post today to be an angry one or to talk about this but I had to. I am angry and I know that the only way I will get over this is with God. Through God all things are possible. I know that I am not going to walk away from my kids and that I am not him but alot of his choices to be a selfish jerk of a man have effected and changed my life. I am starting a journal of my feeling and journey through healing. I know it may take years and may not ever happen but I am finally willing to hand it to God and get on with my life.

Ok as for diet I know that I have an addiction. I have been doing diet after diet but I know that I need to change me and figure out why I eat. I have a book called Prism weight loss that helps youu deal with more than just eating. I am going to be reading this as I try to figure out why food has such a hold on me.

Here is my plan. I weighed in this morning at 186.6. I am putting away the scale and not weighing myself for 6 weeks. In that 6 weeks I also am NOT going to cheat. It isn't an option. I am making a vow to myself that I can and will make 6 weeks, 42 days. On Sept. 14th I will weigh myself. I need to learn that weight is more than a number it is about how I feel while dieting and about myself that matters. My post has gotten kind of long so tomorrow I will fill you in on my eating regimine. I'm not sure yet which program I am going to do. I love Weight watchers but I feel that by not eliminating any certain food that my addiction will still be there when I have lost that weight. Well enough for today.


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